Some times I wonder why I am still alive. I think it may be those who are closest to me or my never ending bad luck. But I never actually make it to thinking those "bad" thoughts that doctors say those who are depressed think of. I am twenty four years old and have been suffering with this constant battle of depression/anxiety. Lately, it seems to be the worst. My feeling are every where. I mostly feel alone in the world. It's like I am invisiable. Invisable to everyone around me. You see I used to be very close to those I care most about. Examples: my mom and boyfriend. But it seems like they even forgot I am still here. I try to talk to them. But most of the time, my fiance has his attention stuck on his laptop while I ramble on to hear him say, "Huh?" or "What were you saying?". Like this really makes me feel important. I try to call my mom, sisters, step-mother, and so called friends but everyone seems to NOT wanna talk. When they do answer the phone, it's always: "I will call you back, I'm a little busy right now." or "I just laid down. Try calling me tomorrow." Needless to say when I do wait for their call... it never seems to come. When I do call back, once again their still to busy to talk. I feel like I just need someone to care. Some one to show me that they think of me once in a while. You see, I have been suffering with dental problems for the past year. Every day I live in constant pain from the decay that was caused because of the lack of dental insurance. I have the insurance now but yet I still haven't made the appointment. I know my situation could become life threatening. But I do nothing about it. I wonder what would happen if the wonderful Lord above would call me to the kingdom of heaven with my family and friends still absent from my life. How long would it take someone to realize? Would they all come to the funeral and cry? If so, would the tears be because I'm gone? Which I really hope not because they didn't care enough when I was alive so why worry about it during that time either? I try to talk to my fiance about this but when I do... it's always pushed back into my face like it's my fault things are they way they are. So, I don't even try. Maybe just talking to a perfect stranger will help but won't find that out until March 15, 2011.
Hopefully, there's some sunshine in my future but as of right now... it's pretty dark.
